HEALTHY HABITS

Like an air captain in control of a flight, parents are the pilots of their families.

“The flight of that airplane is, I believe, the ideal metaphor for family life,” writes Covey in his book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families.

“It doesn’t make any difference if we are off target or even if our family is a mess. The hope lies in the vision and in the plan and in the courage to keep coming back time and time again.” 

“These aren’t quick-fixes; they’re habits.” 

Incorporating the seven habits of successful families begins with a commitment to do so, says Patti Correll-Syring, a parent educator. 

Covey acknowledges that each family is unique. “That means there’s no one correct way of beginning or approaching the use of the habits,” Correll-Syring says. “We as parents know our families unlike anyone else.  We need to know and respect our own unique family situation, as well as the individuals within that system.” 

Following are the basics of the seven habits and some ideas to incorporate them into your family. 

As you read about the qualities of productive families below, keep in mind these aren’t “quick fixes” but “habits”—established patterns of thinking and acting that all successful families have in common.  

Habit One: Be Proactive 

Each family and its members hold responsibility for their choices. They have the freedom to choose based on principles and values rather than on moods or conditions.

In other words, effective families operate from the “inside-out”. They don’t rely on their emotions or society to dictate their beliefs and actions.

To be proactive, start building an emotional bank account, rather than withdrawing from it.

Families make withdrawals by putting members down, acting rude, criticizing, complaining, holding grudges and other negative behaviors.

Make deposits by being kind, apologizing, being loyal to your family even when they’re not with you, forgiving and making and keeping promises.

It’s said that for every withdrawal, three deposits are needed to rebuild the depleted emotional bank account.

Habit Two: Begin with the End in Mind 

Happy families shape their futures by creating a mental vision and purpose for any project, no matter the size.Covey advocates writing a family mission statement to help people define their destination as a family.

It’s vital to seek input from each member about values and goals. Parents can make this process fun for their children.

Go over your family’s mission about once a year to make any needed changes. Hang your family’s statement where everyone can see it daily, such as in the kitchen or living room.

Habit Three: Put First Things First 

Organize family life around top priorities, rather than being at the mercy of outside forces. Two powerful ways are to schedule weekly family activities and one-on-one bonding times with a parent and a child, as well as husband and wife dates.

“From the time our first child was born, we implemented this habit—without knowing about it,” says Patti, the mother of two daughters. “At the root of this habit is to start with the assumption that family time is non-negotiable.” 

This involves being flexible about your work, volunteer and hobby time to improve your family life.

Habit Four: Think “Win-Win” 

Move from a “me” to a “we” attitude. At the center of a “win-win” attitude is an abundance mentality, meaning that there is more than enough to go around for everybody.

This requires working as a team. There is power in older children helping younger siblings to ride a bike, toilet train, practice math or whatever they’re learning at the time. 

Desire what’s best for everyone involved—though it may not always be a well-received decision. 

“Parenting is not about being popular and giving in to every child’s whim and desire,” Covey says. “It’s about making decisions that truly are win-win —however they may appear to the child at the time.” 

Habit Five: Seek First to Understand— Then Be Understood 

Challenging areas found within the family can be transformed if people take the time to understand one another.

This involves letting go of the need to be heard and listen first. The need to judge and to control can be left at the doorstep to make way for more understanding. 

Focus on positive parenting! 

Along with practicing genuine listening and understanding, learn about what’s happening physically, mentally, and emotionally at your child’s age and stage. This leads to more positive parenting, which benefits the entire family. 

Habit Six: Synergize 

Synergy is the “magic” that occurs when everyone harmoniously works together. Synergy is not just teamwork or cooperation. 

“Synergy is creative teamwork, creative cooperation,” Covey says. “Something new is created that was not there before.” 

The key to creating synergy in your family life is to show respect, value and celebrate the differences in each person. 

Habit Seven: Sharpen the Saw

Every effective family takes the time to renew itself in what Covey describes as the “four key areas of life”—physical, social, mental and spiritual. Take time for personal and family renewal in those areas. 

Among the careers, chores, and other responsibilities, it’s very easy to get sidetracked from fun and relaxation.

Sharing family activities and one-on-one times, creating traditions, celebrating birthdays and holidays and eating dinner together are wonderful ways to “sharpen the saw.” 

“To those who would say, ‘We don’t have time to do these things’, I would say, ‘You don’t have time not to,’” Covey says. “The key is to plan ahead and be strong.”